The Mindy Episode

Parking lot outside Springfield Elementary.

BART: [repainting the lines of the parking spaces] "The beauty of it is each parking space is a mere one foot narrower - indistinguishable to the naked eye - but therein lies the game."

MILHOUSE: "I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away!"

SKINNER: "Blast it woman, you've parked too close! Move your car!"

KRABAPPEL: "I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your momma."

SKINNER: "Oh don't worry, she'll hear about this!"

TEACHERS, COLLECTIVELY: "I can't get out!" "I'm trapped!" "I can't breathe!"

BART: [laughing maniacally]

Inside the classroom

KRABAPPEL: "Class! I know there's no way to prove who actually did this, and in our American democracy everyone is innocent until proven guilty."

BART: "God bless America."

KRABAPPEL: "But my classroom is not a democracy. Hah! For the rest of the year, Bart Simpson will be the first student called on for every question..."

BART: [GULP]

KRABAPPEL: "Welp, let's get started. Can anyone pronounce..." [underlining 'PHOTOSYNTHESIS' on the board] "...this word?" [looking around the room] "Hrmmm..... Bart?

BART: [FUMFERING]

MARTIN: "Oh pick me teacher, I'm ever so smart! It's Photosynthesis! Damn your feeble brain."

BART: "Oh I couldn't read it, the letters are all blurry."

KRABAPPEL: "Is it possible all your misbehaviour and miserable grades have been caused by a simple vision disorder?"

BART: [Dickensian accent] "You mean it ain't me noggin it's me peepers? Well that's just loverly."

Coworkers HOMER, LENNY, KARL and CHARLIE watching an unnamed WORKER in a sealed room

WORKER: [Carefully moving volatile nuclear waste in glass jars]

HOMER: "Watch this guys." [Homer uses a mechanical arm to pinch the worker's rear, who screams and drops the material. The room starts to fill with green gas]

LENNY: "Uh oh! He's done for!"

CARL: "Yeah, don't worry. The safety glass will protect us.

[The safety glass begins to leak, klaxon sounding, red light flashing. All gasp]

LENNY: "Run! We'll hide at my house!"

[ALL run into the emergency exit, which does not open. CHARLIE feels the wall]

CHARLIE: "This emergency exit is painted on!"

KARL: "There's no way out, there's no way out! We're doomed - doomed!"

MR BURNS' office. CHARLIE is in front of MR BURNS and his assistant SMITHERS

CHARLIE: "Well sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit."

MR BURNS: [Feigning jotting down into a notepad] "Why that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? Smithers, throw this at him."

SMITHERS: [Throws the notepad, which connects]

MR BURNS: [Pushing a red button under his desk, a glass tube lowers and sucks CHARLIE up into it]

MR BURNS: [Bored] "Smithers, where does that tube go?"

SMITHERS: "I'm not sure sir, it was here when we moved in."

Vaguely south eastern music plays on a sitar. Establishing shot of a tall building with onion domes at night in a desert. Cut to inside where men are seated around a glass tube which hangs in the air above a table.

[CHARLIE enters via the glass tube onto the table]

THE MEN: "DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!"

[CHARLIE begins to do a shuffling dance. The men cheer with ululations]

MR BURNS' office. MR BURNS and SMITHERS resume

SMITHERS: "Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor."

BURNS: "Yes, well find someone cheap. It's been a pretty lean year for us."

BURNS: "Money fight!!"

BURNS & SMITHERS: [They throw money at each other]

Workstation in the plant. MR BURNS is showing ZUTROY how to use the console.

BURNS: "Excellent, Zutroy! Work hard and every day you'll get a shiny penny!"

BURNS: [Magics a penny into his hand, which gleams]

ZUTROY: [Impressed sound]

[AGENT WESSON and Other Department of Labour (ODL) abseil through the ceiling]

WESSON: "Agent Wesson, Department of Labour. This man is an illegal alien!"

BURNS: "That's preposterous! Zutroy here is as American as apple pie!"

ZUTROY: "Tocnikrabda, mistir Boourns!"

<EDITOR'S note: in the Italian dub, Zutroy is as American as hamburger, in the French he's popcorn, and in German he's chewing gum>

ODL: "This plant violates every labour law in the book! We found a missing Brazilian football team working in your reactor core!"

BURNS: "That plane crashed on my property!"

WESSON: "Look Mr Burns: we want to see some changes. You can reverse your sexist employment policies, and hire at least one woman."

BURNS: "Very well, I'll hire a woman. But I still stand by my employment policies!"

[STUART, A DUCK enters quacking, pulling a cart]

BURNS: "Get back to work, Stuart!"

Establishing shot: building sign: "HMO: Hibbert's Moneymaking Operation", which then switches to BART and MARGE sitting in a medical office in front of DR HIBBERT.

DR HIBBERT: "Now under my HMO, we can treat all illnesses under one roof. You do have insurance, don't you?"

[HIBBERT presses a button similar to MR BURNS', which lowers a tube down over MARGE'S head]

MARGE: "Yes"

HIBBERT: [laughing as tube retracts] "Then let's go visit the optometrist."

Dark office, man looking into BART'S face with a bright light.

OPTOMETRIST: "Bart has a temporary condition called 'lazy eye' where one eye is weaker than the other. You'll need to wear these for two weeks."

[The OPTOMETRIST produces a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and puts them on BART]

OPTOMETRIST: "Menachem Begin wore a pair just like them! Hrm... Scalp's a little dry. You should see our dermatologist."

Brightly lit office in medicinal colours. The DERMATOLOGIST scrubs BART'S head with a gloved hand full of slime.

DERMATOLOGIST: [Nasally] "Rub a palmful of this medicated salve into your scalp every half hour. Keep him away from open flames and pregnant women."

The orthopedic office.

ORTHOPEDIST: [Admiring a pair of massive black shoes on BART'S feet]

ORTHOPEDIST: "These should fix those fallen arches - enjoy!"

Generic doctor's office

OTOLARYNGOLOGIST: "Hmm. Throat looks a little red. I'd better spray it."

[She sprays BART'S throat]

BART: [Voice altered to sound like Jerry Lewis' nerd impression from The Nutty Professor (1963)] "Oh, thanks nice lady, my voice is crazy with this braying already. Oy! I feel so much better Mr. Medical Science-type Person."

<Note that the Dr is a woman and that "Mr" is an extension of the nebbish phrasing>

Lenny, Carl and Homer are at Homer's workstation in the Nuclear Power Plant

LENNY: "If we get a woman we won't be able to spit on the floor."

CARL: "And we can't take our pants off when it gets too hot."

HOMER: "And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain."

[LENNY & CARL look at each other]

HOMER: "Er - not if we wanted to I mean, not that I uh... ever did."

[SMITHERS enters with MINDY]

SMITHERS: "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new co-worker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in engineering or something."

MINDY: "Hi. How's it going."

LENNY: "Oh, pleased to meet you."

CARL: "Ditto."

HOMER: [Barely turning] "Hi."

HOMER: [Doubletaking] "Huuuh..?"

[MUSIC: LOVE THEME. Mindy is standing in a giant clam shell while flanked by Lenny and Carl in Cherub form ala Sandro Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus"]

LENNY: "What's wrong, Homer?"

CARL: "Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?

[Return to previous scene]

HOMER: "Gotta go!"

[Homer dashes out into the hall and the doors close behind him]

HOMER: "What the hell was that?? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

[Establishing shot, Springfield elementary. Transitions to Ms. Krabapple's classroom, BART enters in his new gear]

SHERRY & TERRY: "Nice glasses, four eyes!"

NELSON: "Yeah, nice shoes, uh... two feet. Ha."

MARTIN: "Your appearance is comical to me!"

[BART turns to MILHOUSE and sees his reflection in his glasses]

BART: [GASP] "I'm a nerd!"

MILHOUSE: [Seeing himself in BART'S glasses] [GASP] "So am I!"

[HOMER walking to his car]

HOMER: "Yeahp. Another day another box of stolen pens."

[HOMER throws a box of pens into a pile on his back seat.]

MINDY: "Have a good night, Homer!"

[She speeds off on a motorbike]

HOMER: "You too!"

[HOMER gets into his car]

HOMER: "Hm! No goosebumps, no halucinations. That last time was just a fluke."

[HOMER drives backwards through traffic, crashing into a trout farm. The car falls into a vat of fish, which pop their heads out of the water and begin to sing]

FISH CHORUS: "Homer loves Mindy, Homer loves Mindy!"

[CHERUB LENNY and CARL appear, floating above HOMER'S head]

CARL: "Hey Homer, you're halucinating again..!

LENNY: "Not a good sign!"