The Mindy Episode

Parking lot outside Springfield Elementary.

BART: [repainting the lines of the parking spaces] "The beauty of it is each parking space is a mere one foot narrower - indistinguishable to the naked eye - but therein lies the game."

MILHOUSE: "I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away!"

SKINNER: "Blast it woman, you've parked too close! Move your car!"

KRABAPPEL: "I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your momma."

SKINNER: "Oh don't worry, she'll hear about this!"

TEACHERS, COLLECTIVELY: "I can't get out!" "I'm trapped!" "I can't breathe!"

BART: [laughing maniacally]

Inside the classroom

KRABAPPEL: "Class! I know there's no way to prove who actually did this, and in our American democracy everyone is innocent until proven guilty."

BART: "God bless America."

KRABAPPEL: "But my classroom is not a democracy. Hah! For the rest of the year, Bart Simpson will be the first student called on for every question..."

BART: [GULP]

KRABAPPEL: "Welp, let's get started. Can anyone pronounce..." [underlining 'PHOTOSYNTHESIS' on the board] "...this word?" [looking around the room] "Hrmmm..... Bart?

BART: [FUMFERING]

MARTIN: "Oh pick me teacher, I'm ever so smart! It's Photosynthesis! Damn your feeble brain."

BART: "Oh I couldn't read it, the letters are all blurry."

KRABAPPEL: "Is it possible all your misbehaviour and miserable grades have been caused by a simple vision disorder?"

BART: [Dickensian accent] "You mean it ain't me noggin it's me peepers? Well that's just loverly."

Coworkers HOMER, LENNY, KARL and CHARLIE watching an unnamed WORKER in a sealed room

WORKER: [Carefully moving volatile nuclear waste in glass jars]

HOMER: "Watch this guys." [Homer uses a mechanical arm to pinch the worker's rear, who screams and drops the material. The room starts to fill with green gas]

LENNY: "Uh oh! He's done for!"

CARL: "Yeah, don't worry. The safety glass will protect us.

[The safety glass begins to leak, klaxon sounding, red light flashing. All gasp]

LENNY: "Run! We'll hide at my house!"

[ALL run into the emergency exit, which does not open. CHARLIE feels the wall]

CHARLIE: "This emergency exit is painted on!"

KARL: "There's no way out, there's no way out! We're doomed - doomed!"

MR BURNS' office. CHARLIE is in front of MR BURNS and his assistant SMITHERS

CHARLIE: "Well sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit."

MR BURNS: [Feigning jotting down into a notepad] "Why that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? Smithers, throw this at him."

SMITHERS: [Throws the notepad, which connects]

MR BURNS: [Pushing a red button under his desk, a glass tube lowers and sucks CHARLIE up into it]

MR BURNS: [Bored] "Smithers, where does that tube go?"

SMITHERS: "I'm not sure sir, it was here when we moved in."

Vaguely south eastern music plays on a sitar. Establishing shot of a tall building with onion domes at night in a desert. Cut to inside where men are seated around a glass tube which hangs in the air above a table.

[CHARLIE enters via the glass tube onto the table]

THE MEN: "DANCE! DANCE! DANCE!"

[CHARLIE begins to do a shuffling dance. The men cheer with ululations]

MR BURNS' office. MR BURNS and SMITHERS resume

SMITHERS: "Sir, we'll need a new dangerous emissions supervisor."

BURNS: "Yes, well find someone cheap. It's been a pretty lean year for us."

BURNS: "Money fight!!"

BURNS & SMITHERS: [They throw money at each other]

Workstation in the plant. MR BURNS is showing ZUTROY how to use the console.

BURNS: "Excellent, Zutroy! Work hard and every day you'll get a shiny penny!"

BURNS: [Magics a penny into his hand, which gleams]

ZUTROY: [Impressed sound]

[AGENT WESSON and Other Department of Labour (ODL) abseil through the ceiling]

WESSON: "Agent Wesson, Department of Labour. This man is an illegal alien!"

BURNS: "That's preposterous! Zutroy here is as American as apple pie!"

ZUTROY: "Tocnikrabda, mistir Boourns!"

<EDITOR'S note: in the Italian dub, Zutroy is as American as hamburger, in the French he's popcorn, and in German he's chewing gum>

ODL: "This plant violates every labour law in the book! We found a missing Brazilian football team working in your reactor core!"

BURNS: "That plane crashed on my property!"

WESSON: "Look Mr Burns: we want to see some changes. You can reverse your sexist employment policies, and hire at least one woman."

BURNS: "Very well, I'll hire a woman. But I still stand by my employment policies!"

[STUART, A DUCK enters quacking, pulling a cart]

BURNS: "Get back to work, Stuart!"

Establishing shot: building sign: "HMO: Hibbert's Moneymaking Operation", which then switches to BART and MARGE sitting in a medical office in front of DR HIBBERT.

DR HIBBERT: "Now under my HMO, we can treat all illnesses under one roof. You do have insurance, don't you?"

[HIBBERT presses a button similar to MR BURNS', which lowers a tube down over MARGE'S head]

MARGE: "Yes"

HIBBERT: [laughing as tube retracts] "Then let's go visit the optometrist."

Dark office, man looking into BART'S face with a bright light.

OPTOMETRIST: "Bart has a temporary condition called 'lazy eye' where one eye is weaker than the other. You'll need to wear these for two weeks."

[The OPTOMETRIST produces a pair of thick-rimmed glasses and puts them on BART]

OPTOMETRIST: "Menachem Begin wore a pair just like them! Hrm... Scalp's a little dry. You should see our dermatologist."

Brightly lit office in medicinal colours. The DERMATOLOGIST scrubs BART'S head with a gloved hand full of slime.

DERMATOLOGIST: [Nasally] "Rub a palmful of this medicated salve into your scalp every half hour. Keep him away from open flames and pregnant women."

The orthopedic office.

ORTHOPEDIST: [Admiring a pair of massive black shoes on BART'S feet]

ORTHOPEDIST: "These should fix those fallen arches - enjoy!"

Generic doctor's office

OTOLARYNGOLOGIST: "Hmm. Throat looks a little red. I'd better spray it."

[She sprays BART'S throat]

BART: [Voice altered to sound like Jerry Lewis' nerd impression from The Nutty Professor (1963)] "Oh, thanks nice lady, my voice is crazy with this braying already. Oy! I feel so much better Mr. Medical Science-type Person."

<Note that the Dr is a woman and that "Mr" is an extension of the nebbish phrasing>

Lenny, Carl and Homer are at Homer's workstation in the Nuclear Power Plant

LENNY: "If we get a woman we won't be able to spit on the floor."

CARL: "And we can't take our pants off when it gets too hot."

HOMER: "And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain."

[LENNY & CARL look at each other]

HOMER: "Er - not if we wanted to I mean, not that I uh... ever did."

[SMITHERS enters with MINDY]

SMITHERS: "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your new co-worker, Mindy Simmons. I think she has a degree in engineering or something."

MINDY: "Hi. How's it going."

LENNY: "Oh, pleased to meet you."

CARL: "Ditto."

HOMER: [Barely turning] "Hi."

HOMER: [Doubletaking] "Huuuh..?"

[MUSIC: LOVE THEME. Mindy is standing in a giant clam shell while flanked by Lenny and Carl in Cherub form ala Sandro Botticelli's "The Birth of Venus"]

LENNY: "What's wrong, Homer?"

CARL: "Ain't you never seen a naked chick riding a clam before?

[Return to previous scene]

HOMER: "Gotta go!"

[Homer dashes out into the hall and the doors close behind him]

HOMER: "What the hell was that?? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot.

[Establishing shot, Springfield elementary. Transitions to Ms. Krabapple's classroom, BART enters in his new gear]

SHERRY & TERRY: "Nice glasses, four eyes!"

NELSON: "Yeah, nice shoes, uh... two feet. Ha."

MARTIN: "Your appearance is comical to me!"

[BART turns to MILHOUSE and sees his reflection in his glasses]

BART: [GASP] "I'm a nerd!"

MILHOUSE: [Seeing himself in BART'S glasses] [GASP] "So am I!"

[HOMER walking to his car]

HOMER: "Yeahp. Another day another box of stolen pens."

[HOMER throws a box of pens into a pile on his back seat.]

MINDY: "Have a good night, Homer!"

[She speeds off on a motorbike]

HOMER: "You too!"

[HOMER gets into his car]

HOMER: "Hm! No goosebumps, no halucinations. That last time was just a fluke."

[HOMER drives backwards through traffic, crashing into a trout farm. The car falls into a vat of fish, which pop their heads out of the water and begin to sing]

FISH CHORUS: "Homer loves Mindy, Homer loves Mindy!"

[CHERUB LENNY and CARL appear, floating above HOMER'S head]

CARL: "Hey Homer, you're halucinating again..!

LENNY: "Not a good sign!"

[Next day at the power plant. Homer stirs his coffee with a finger]

HOMER: "So... what do you guys think of Mindy?"

CARL: "Seems okay. Anybody see the game last night?"

HOMER: "Yeah, Mindy seems real nice..."

LENNY: "Homer, what's with you? You're talking during a coffee break!"

CARL: "Yeah, you usually just take the box of donuts into the bathroom."

HOMER: "Mindy has a motorcycle."

[Bart's school, grabbing his skateboard]

BART: "Look everyone, I'm still the same guy I always was."

[Bart tries to ride his skateboard, but with his new shoes and glasses he's clumsy and he wobbles off, crashing into a locker. A calculus book lands open on his face. DOLPH, KERNEY, and JIMBO arrive]

JIMBO: "Hey, he's learning on his own!"

KERNEY: "GETHIM!!"

[They beat him]

[MOE'S tavern. MOE is cleaning glasses and HOMER and BARNEY are sitting at the bar. A sad-looking stranger is sitting in the background.]

HOMER: "Moe, I need some advice."

MOE: "Yeah?"

HOMER: "I have this friend... Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?"

MOE: "That's the worst name I've ever heard."

[The sad-looking stranger bursts into tears and runs out of the bar]

BARNEY: "Hey! JOEY JO-JO!"

HOMER: "Ah what the hell, it's me. I'm infatuated with another woman! What am I gonna do?"

BARNEY: "Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common."

HOMER: "Barney, that is so insightful. How did you come up with that?"

BARNEY: "It was on one of these bar napkins."

[BARNEY holds up a napkin which has an illustration of a drunk with the words: "YOUR INFATUATION IS BASED ON A PHYSICAL ATTRACTION. TALK TO THE WOMAN AND YOU'LL REALIZE YOU HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON."]

[Back at the power plant break room. MINDY is eating a donut. HOMER, making nervous noises, enters]

HOMER: "Let's have a conversation. I think you'll find we have very little in common."

MINDY: "Can't talk. Eating."

HOMER: "Oh my favourite! Raspberry swirl with a double glaze!"

MINDY, drooling: "Double glaze."

HOMER: "D'oh! Okay so we have one thing in common. But you know what I hate..? Drinking beer and watching TV."

MINDY: "Oh not me. That's my idea of heaven."

HOMER: "D'aw, me too!"

MINDY: "Really? I can see I'm gonna love working with you. Well, gotta go. [whispering] I wanna sneak in a quick nap before lunch."

HOMER: "D'awww... foul temptress. I'll bet she thinks ziggy has got too preachy too!"

[Homer presses the button for the stimulator elevator]

HOMER: "Phew. I made it through the whole day without seeing her again."

[The doors open, Homer gets in, and realises he is crammed in the elevator with Mindy.]

HOMER: "[SCREAMS]HAAAA! I mean - HAA-llo."

MINDY: "Heh. I guess we'll be going down together. I mean getting off together, I mean-"

HOMER: "That's okay. I'll just press the button for the stimulator -- I mean elevator."

HOMER: [To himself] "Think non-sexy thoughts, think non-sexy thoughts..."

[He thinks about MARGE'S twin sisters PATTY and SELMA shaving their legs in the bathroom.]

HOMER: "[SHUDDER] That's unsexy."

[He imagines BARNEY in a bikini singing and dancing to the theme of "I dream of Jeannie".]

HOMER: "EWWWW."

[The vision transforms. BARNY'S proportions warp into MINDY'S, she becomes sexy and blows a kiss.]

HOMER: [Forcing open the doors] "This is my floor!"

[HOMER slides down the side of the cooling tower, yelling]

HOMER: "AAAH SEE YOU TOMORROW!"

[HOMER arrives back at his house]

HOMER: "Ah, home to my loving family. What more could a man ask for?"

[MARGE opens the door]

MARGE: "[Stuffily] Hi Homer. Don't kiss me, I'm all stuffed up."

HOMER: "Eww."

BART: "Hi dad!"

HOMER: "Hi son! How're ya- Eww(!)"

[HOMER goes to tussle Bart's hair, but the salve sticks fattily to his hand in clumps]

LISA: "Dad, look! I made fish sticks! They're burnt on the outside but they're frozen on the inside, so it balances out!"

HOMER: "Yeah - good(!)

GRANDPA: "[Chasing the dog] That racoon stole my lamb chop!"

[HOMER sits with MARGE on the couch]

HOMER: "Let's have a little quality time together; just you and me.

MARGE: "Aw, that's sweet! Hey, there's a new place at the mall that prints your face on a t-shirt. I got two dollars off because mine got smeared!"

[MARGE holds up a t-shirt with her smeared face on it]

HOMER: "Yeurgh. Hey! We haven't watched TV in a while..."

[HOMER turns on the TV]

KENT BROCKMAN: "Tonight, 'Eye On Springfield' takes a look at the secret affairs of Kennedy, Eisenhower, Bush, and Clinton. Did fooling around on their wives make them great? We'll find out next, when we play 'Hail... to the Cheat!'"

HOMER: [fear noises, changes channel]

BRITISH ACCENT: "The Burmese Melon Fly has over a thousand sex partners, and suffers virtually no guilt."

HOMER: [fear noises, changes channel]

EXERCISE INSTRUCTOR: "[Sexually] Just do it. [Montage of womens' sexy body parts in workout clothes]

HOMER: [screams, runs out of the room]

EXERCISE INSTRUCTOR: "Examine your scalp for ringworm."

[Text shows on the screen under the instructor - National Ringworm Association, the other NRA"]

HOMER is in a phone booth calling the Marriage Counselling Hotline. The phone directory entry shows a picture of a scrawny man stroking his head and a surly larger woman in curlers holding a rolling pin.

HOMER: "Hello? Marriage hotline? I'm feeling tempted by another woman!"

FLANDERS: "Homer Simpson?? That's a dilly of a pickle! Hey, let's conference you with Marge, huh?"

HOMER: "NOOOOOOO" [He hangs up and tries to escape the phone booth, toppling it in the process. His spirit is lifted from his prostrate body.]

HOMER: "Who are you?"

ANGEL, as SIR ISAAC NEWTON: "Homer, I'm your guardian angel. I chose the form of someone you would recognise and revere - Sir Isaac Newton!"

HOMER: "Sir Isa-who-who?"

ANGEL, as SIR ISAAC NEWTON: "Oooh, very well..."

[The shadow of the angel elongates over HOMER and reforms]

HOMER: "[gasp] Colonel Klink! Did you ever get my letters?"

ANGEL, as COLONEL KLINK: "I'm not really Colonel Klink, I'm just assuming his form(!)"

HOMER: "Tehehe - Did you know Hogan had tunnels all over your camp?"

ANGEL, as COLONEL KLINK: "HOMERRRRRR! That's not why I'm here! I'm here to show you how miserable your life would be if you married Mindy instead of Marge."

[The two spirits soar off into the sky hand in hand. They fly over a huge estate]

HOMER: "Wow, I'd live in a big mansion?"

[HOMER and MINDY play tennis wearing tennis whites while their butler, JEEVES, buttles]

MINDY: "I'm so happy darling."

HOMER: "I as well. Are you happy, Jeeves?"

JEEVES: "Yes sir, quite."

HOMER: "Then we're all happy!"

ANGEL, as COLONEL KLINK: "Let's get out of here..."

ANGEL, as COLONEL KLINK: "Sure, life is good for you - but what about Marge?"

[The spirits fly over The White House]

HOMER: "Marge lives here??"

ADVISOR: "Madam president, your approval rating is soaring."

MARGE: [Grumbly Marge noise]

ANGEL, as COLONEL KLINK: "This dream is overrrr!"

[ANGEL, as COLONEL KLINK drops Homer's spirit, which falls down and lands back in his body. Homer gasps around, confused. LIONEL HUTZ appears.]

LIONEL HUTZ: "Hey you, get out of my office!"

[Bullies crowd around Bart, taunting and calling him names]

KERNEY: "Neeerd!"

HICK KID: "You're goofy lookin'! Hyuk hyuk hyuk!"

[The other kids collapse on him in a big ball of fighting, but BART manages to climb out and run down the corridor. The bullies take chase until a hand appears from a locker and yanks BART inside. Two sets of eyes blink in the darkness until MARTIN lights a match and then a candle]

BART: "What the hell?"

MARTIN: "Shh."

[MARTIN leads BART down a corridor into the darkness of the steam tunnels. They arrive in a small room populated with assorted nerds. They are playing chess, building a model of StarTrek's The Enterprise, or writing nonsensical mathematical formulae on the brick wall. The chalk squeaks in a distracted line]

BART: "What is this place?"

SIKH KID: "The refuge of the damned"

MARTIN: "A place where we can work on our extra credit assignments without fear of reprisal."

LEWIS(?): "Come, you must be tired from the chase. Oliver! [clap clap], bring our guest a hard-boiled egg and some prune juice!"

MARTIN: "Finally! Bart's one of us!"

ALL NERDS: "Excelsior!"